hey, emo, tell us a story!

So.

To level with you dudes; I'm up to my ear-drums in drama.
NOT MY FAULT
(totally my fault).

Pattern:
Like a dude (like maybe for real) Or at least care about him and want to be care-taking of him
Feel like I might get rejected by dude
Find other babes
Drama ensues

Wow, now that I've broken it down for you I feel way more like a dumb.

Nothing I can do to make myself seem like a better person than to act like one. Obviously.

But I will say, I am not a bad person. My actual intentions are good. I try for kindness. I actually have a good heart.
Somewhere in there.
I can feel it beating.. so.. there's that.



The other day it was Toad's birthday and I tried not to notice it. But I did.
And I thought of calling but I couldn't think of what good it would do either me or him. Fair, fair enough.

Schizophrenia is hard, guys!
And I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. Ah, first loves.

Sometimes when I am feeling overly-shitty and like maybe I'm losing it I like to think about how he said "what I like about you is that you could be crazy but you choose not to be and work at it..."

Today my friend was wearing a shirt that reminded me of highschool and of how we all dressed and especially about Toad and the things I thought were beyond beyond beyond dreamy about him. Especially his fashion sense! (in retrospect, pretty hilarious!)

It was a good evening that didn't end in fighting about things that are incommunicable, but I'm pretty sad that one of my favourite singer/songwriters, and one of my favourite servers McGruff dedicated a song to me and I missed it!
Aw I like his music so, so much.

I did on the other hand, catch this voice, which was amazing, as always.

Still, I do wish I'd caught McGruff's set, as he is pretty impressive and doesn't play NEARLY enough, nor have an album I can buy...

Okay it's four in the morning (the end of December I'm writing you now just to see if you're better. New York is cold but I like where I'm living).



I don't know if you want my opinion
but this life is hard is hard to live
'cause I've got so much more that I want to say
but I've got nothing more to give

This could be the very last song I write with my own two hearts
this could be the very last time you hear from me



The ending cover of I Shall Be Released (sung a bit more like Baez than like Dylan) seriously made me want to weep. Not in a bad way, more in the way that February/March is such hard work.
And more in the way of how beautiful everthing is.
Nice work.