i had a man in summertime with summer-coloured skin

just now, at the bar, Norman said to me that it seems I'm never out looking for "true love", and that's something he values in me. That I'm not always about to meet the ultimate best person for me, I'm not expecting someone to make me whole at any moment. (extreme paraphrasing)
He also mentioned how he's never really seen me about to settle down/fall in love with anyone.

I think it seems a lot of the time that I have several babes on the go (or at least wishful thinking-wise)  and I don't mind and that life is fun and for having fun and pushing stuff.
I do believe that...

but, also, I forsure get my hopes up and get hung up and even occasionally let my heart hope for something solid, something big, something more.

I'm rather defensive, I think, about being single. I'm defensive in that I want to let everyone know that I am alright with it. And partly it is to reassure myself that everything is going to be alright. Partly it is true, but not always the only truth.

Being single is very fun (and should be!) and I like knowing me and knowing how I am on my own. I love crushes and I love potential.

...and there are moments where; how can I maintain this constant enjoyment of crushes and men without dreaming of being with someone for a good length of time?
Without dreaming of one person being able and willing to try for me, to put effort in, to admit to caring about me and be wiling to accept what I'm giving as well?

how is it that at this juncture in my life I still have yet to find a big love?
how is it that I don't have anyone I want to hold hands with all day, or introduce to my family, or ride bikes on the island with and lie in the sun on the beach with?


the last person I really dated (over a year ago) for any length of time.. I feel like we didn't even know how to communicate.
I don't think he ever had any idea how lovely and really beautiful I thought he was. and I certainly felt like he never thought I was that good-looking or even appealing, really.

It's funny how we get into routines of interaction and patterns that are set so early on and hard to get out of.

I was scared of scaring him away and so I snuck back into his life and was quiet like a mouse and didn't ask him for anything and didn't accost him with my love and didn't gush all over him like I'd maybe wanted to, for fear of scaring him.
I seriously thought he was the best and the most beautiful and never said it.
It seem unfathomable to me in real life that I would ever not tell someone I loved those things, and yet...

part of all the problems between us was how we never knew what the other was thinking. part of the problems was that we were holding back or assuming things, or being so wary all the time.
of course, the biggest problem was that we were just really ill-suited. 

I loved him very much, and yet the only time I ever said it was after a bottle of vodka and a tumble over onto my bike (which I was walking at the time, thank god).
I vaguely remember swearing up and down to him that I loved him.
And he said he loved me too. Which I fully believe to be true, in its way.
And I never brought it up again.
Because I am a pussy.
And because that's just not how things were between us.

I'm on the verge of being ready for someone to try for me. Really put in effort and care for me.
Pretty sure after all these years of only going half-way, I'm building up to a really good turn.
I'll figure out how to love someone who has room to love me too.

eventually.
probably next year.

For now I'd settle for an actual date-request or miniature romantic gesture... 



Unrelatedly,
I've started on an urge for traveling. I've never been interesting in going. I'm such a tiny homebody, just looking for the familiar and reassuring.
But I'm wanting something new, adventures, change of scenery, etc.
I'm glad to be moving apartments because of this, but also, I'm ready (maybe) to start doing more with my life, to push shit, and get out of the routines I've had going for the past 5 or so years..