I keep trying to get my mum to recreate this picture with me now.. she's not very into it.
This last day of my visit is very much like all the others, with people canceling and re-arranging plans, like I have all the time in the world.
Which I guess I kind of do. I feel more certain of a lot of Saskatoon friendships, even when I don't see these folks for years.. it would take a lot to screw them up.
This city is strange though. And people here can be pretty hyper-critical. And once you've established who you are, they can make it hard for you to change that.
I think it was the best idea for me to move away, I think I'm a million times stronger because of it. I am more confident and clever, independent and good at making friends and sure of my humour.
I think if I had stayed here I wouldn't have created in the same ways, or pushed things.
It's been four and a half years since I moved away and I think about how young I was.. and where did I ever get the courage to move across the country to a city where I knew no one except a somewhat estranged friend from childhood?
I must have been mad.
I was, I know.
But last night, sitting with my cousin's tiny baby on my knee down on river landing with my entire core family watching my cousin belly-dance, waiting for the fireworks, I really was mourning the life I could have if I lived here.
Sometimes I wish Toronto wouldn't be working out so that I could move home, fall in love, take up belly-dancing, go to shows at Amigos, hang with my family, drive out to small towns for coffee, do theatre here, improv maybe, mount plays, make films, and have babies.
I love Toronto too much these days. I can see myself being there for longer and longer. I love my neighbourhood and want to own a house there someday. I like brunch and patios and Kensington Market and streetcars and Dakota and crowds and new friends and parties and wandering around.
But it's weird to think about how I have hit some sort of stride for the next little bit. I'm not going anywhere - I'm going to work the same shitty jobs and go to the same sorts of auditions with the same people and just book more and more gigs...
This is my life. This is adulthood. I'm not in school, I'm not just taking time off, I'm not going to go traveling. I'm just going to be in my same apartment, being the same person, only getting better at it.
I have to say though, I do plan on doing a series on the prairie. Where my fam can come visit me and I can have a stable job for a bit.
I'll be glad to see my friends this week.
But I'm going to miss my mother. Spent a lot of time with her this week and thought about how my college profs told me I would eventually not miss her that extremely, that I would take her down off her pedestal... I wonder when that's happening..
I'll also be glad to be uploading all the photos from this week.
Too many of a cute baby, but that's how it goes.
Oh. And I'm going to miss my cats. A little too much.
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