sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorryblog.
also have not been keeping up with private blog AT ALL sorry long-distance family you don't know every minute detail of what's going on with me, my bad.
I've been very, very busy doing pretty much nothing at all, which seems to take a lot of time, effort, and money. classic.
(this wig has been hanging out at my house and I keep putting it on and forgetting about it. It makes me kind of miss having dark hair! also, in this pictures I am being a "comedian". funny, yeah?)
I do swear, though, that at any moment I'm about to settle the eff down.
Maybe now that my slate is actually clear of babes this will become true. Especially since because of the pact I cannot go out looking for buffers.
Maybe you're wondering what a buffer is!
In terms of babes, I am very, very into buffering. When I'm in a situation where I'm not getting what I want/I think I'm about to get hurt/it's not enough, etc, etc, then I will specifically look for new involvement in order to make me feel better.
Pretty cool move!
If you get enough babes to have crushes/possibilities with/get to kiss on the mouth, then you can pretty much just rotate through them and never actually stop to think about any of it. There's always something exciting on the horizon, ya know?
Part of the pact I've made with my friend specifically involves not doing that. Because mostly buffering a situation just ends up in a bigger mess. And more stress to deal with.
(Ha, sometimes you just gotta yell BUFFER THAT SHIT and go out on the town, though...)
I've been thinking a great deal lately about trying to figure out what I actually feel about situations. Because there's:
A) What I should feel (as per society's standards/friends' reactions/etc)
B) What I do feel (at that moment, but it changes so quickly, too)
C) What I want to feel
Sometimes I think it's possible to just decide to feel something. Maybe occasionally.
I went on a date last week. It was very specifically a date, partially because I was lamenting how I never go on dates, and partially because this dude particularly owed me a whole evening. For various reasons. Mostly to do with how I have been a really terrific friend/person to him (for the most part, and also if I were really I probably wouldn't write this in the blog.. but I don't care right now, this is part of how I sort things).
And now he's no longer going to be around in my life. For reasons which I always knew.
So there's been the constant back and forth of trying to figure out what I feel.
Do I always only want what I can't have? Do I specifically seek out people who are unavailable in order for it to fail before it's even begun? maybe I want the false romance of that unavailability...
Also this dude may or may not have said that I'm not interested in accepting love, which I found a bit rich at that moment.
It's funny how uncomfortable I was with the idea of an actual date, though, I'll tell ya that for free. Too much pressure. It ended up being a lovely evening-- dinner, movie, pub, and then we even started a dance party at the bar later. And drank on a deck with another of our very favourite people until 4:30 in the morning.
My life is very fun and interesting, even if it is a big messy most days.
So... now I'm in pact mode in earnest and the only thing that is saving me right now is that CRUSHES ARE STILL ALLOWED. even though that's a bit of buffering it's not real-time buffering, it's just make-believe.
oh god, crushes are my ultimate favourite thing.
(along with christmas)
I also went as dollface's date to her family's Thanksgiving. 3rd time in the past 4 years I've been and it's always very fun.
classy ladies...
I'm a good date, I am friendly and make awkward jokes with your grandmother about her stealing out of my purse "I know how much money I have in there, so watch yourself"
(hopefully I wasn't actually offensive!)
Yeah yeah we (Dollface, mostly) were in charge of the centre-pieces. Awww so nice.
I also am good at hitting on you. Invite me as your date to everywhere, everyone!
Okay gotta go now!
But I will tell you that my improv teacher last night told me that I'm naturally very charming.
haaaa, bear in mind that I've been nothing but rude to that guy since meeting him because I find him intimidating.
Not always the complete little gremlin I imagine myself to be, I guess.
(just most times!)
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