finally 30

Hello, I'm 30 now.



I should be sleeping!
Tomorrow is Christmas day! (well, in a few minutes, actually.)
It's been my birthday all day. My 30th birthday. I've had an online diary since I turning 18, I believe.





I wonder sometimes if it's not Christmas I love, so much as all of the build-up.
No, part of Christmas is the build-up. And the parties. And the events and well-wishing.

This year it's felt like it's been Christmas for a whole month already, at least!
This is due mostly to how my Toronto home is the loveliest, warmest, coziest place and we've made it so festive and nice and just a dream to hang out in.
And my roommate feels like home to me and our home feels like home, and Christmas has felt like it's all over my body and heart for weeks.
Maybe that's why I feel a bit sad tonight? That it's almost the end of it again?












I feel sad I think because the holidays are stressful. So much to do, so many different people to see. All the catching up, and the coming face to face with missing everyone. Missing everyone at my other home. Feeling awkward and big and clumsy, like I don't fit properly in Saskatoon these days. Feeling like I would fit back here if I stayed for long enough or came back often enough. It's all stressors that are uncomfortable in.

It hurts my heart to look at my little cousin who is in high school now and think I've missed so much of his growing up.
I'm finding it hard to know how to be a great friend to my friends with young kids, or how to hang out with them. It feels ridiculous that I don't know their kids really.
I don't want to live in Saskatoon anymore.

I always thought I wanted to move back at some point, or at least spend a lot of time here. I would still spend time here, but I don't want to live here. Which is a hard thing to come to terms with.

Life is exciting for me right now and I'm very happy, especially on a day to day basis. I'm just a bit sad right now, I think just because of how overwhelming everything is.
It's funny because as much as I go on about how much I love Christmas, pretty much every year I have a melt down. It makes sense, though. A lot to go through.

And there's sadnesses in this city that I can avoid thinking about in Toronto.
Three of the four cats my mum had had for the past 15 years or so have died, so it's just Adventure Cat here with me, and she's so lovely, but I miss the others quite fiercely.

And other things, bigger sadnesses and missing people that are written all over here. Some streets are hard to go down, some buildings are hard to see.

When I was younger I was built on premature nostalgia, and I was always looking back. Familiarity was king and I loved what I loved and wanted to do the same kinds of things over and over again.
It's an interesting and maybe difficult shift but I'm much more future-thinking these days.
I want new traditions and new places and big adventures and everything everything everything in the world seems right at my fingertips, everything seems just about to happen. And I am trusting my whole self and body and spirit to be good and true and honest and figure out how to make it all work.

But I can still be sad.
If I like, I can be sad occasionally. Or even if I don't like, I bet.

I'm really excited for the next 2/3s of my life. I'm really excited that I'm myself and I get to keep on living as me and seeing what will happen next.

Happy 30th birthday to me.
Happy Christmas and holidays and new year to all all all allll alllll of you who I hold so dear in my heart and arms.

cottage 2k13

hello!
hi!
I'm at a cottage!


we rented a cottage for a week and now we're here! finally the time has come for me to relaxasaurus rex all over this damn lake house!
Dollface's parents sold their cottage last year, which broke our hearts (of course) and continues to break our hearts (of course). So I took it upon myself to find a cottage to rent for me and my buds to go to. It's basically unheard of to rent a cottage for just a night or two in Ontario cottage country so we had to book a cottage for a full week. boooo hoooo boo hoo!!!
just kidding! this is the best!
We just got up here today (Tuesday), me and my roommate and cool doing-things-with-lovely lady, Turkey Bird as well as Mrs. as well as another one of my favourite guys who I don't know his nickname on here anymore. Dad? maybe dad. Anyhow he directed the first real short I was in and is just the best.



The four of us for the next couple days have BIG PLANS
a) sleep/nap
b) eat
c) read
d) write
e) swim
f) relax around for like approximately forever



on the weekend a million more people are coming and that's going to be oh-so fun and so nice and I am excited to party and skinny-dip and drink with them! best of both worlds, that's the plan.



is this cottage as nice as Dollface's old cottage? Probably not. Is it amazing in its own right? yeahhhman. The dock is down like a million stairs, which is going to be unsafe when everyone's drinking, but I think it'll be a rational, care-taking household even at the most packed so I'm not too worried. It's a bit of a pain that the water's so far down but it's also ridiculously beautiful. Plus, the more I go up and down them, the more I can count that as exercise for the day!



I love cottages more than hotels, motels, holiday inns. More than other people's houses. You don't gotta worry about wrecking things and everything is beautiful and mix-matched. Isssssssooooniceee.



Probably a million more on this later. Sleep time comes early at the cottage so that we can all get up and swim and do yoga on the dock and eat all our snacks and nap and oohhhh man. What a dream. What a sweet dream.

from here to there (I should be sleeping)

it's almost moving day!
it's almost moving day!
so so so many goddamned things to pack still!



I'm feeling a great deal of anger towards every person who has ever given me a thing. All these things? I now have to move these things! So many things!
Nah, man, I love my things. I make Turkey Bird a bit nervous with how much I love my things and how many things I own!



Turkey Bird and I are moving to Parkdale. We found a main floor apartment with a backyard as big as a farm!!!!! it's so big!
We are going to buy hammocks and maybe a slip'n'slide and we'll have fires in our firepit. YES WE WILL THANKS.

I'm feeling a slight melancholy about leaving the Ossington Dreamhome, but it's made better by having such a beautiful space to look forward to. A new neighbourhood (right beside Carla Ghee and her mister, even!) and new things to decorate and explore.



It's been a good run here, though. I don't know if I'll ever have a bedroom as beautiful as this one again. And having a million roommates has been exactly what I needed.



When I moved out from living on my own for 7 years I was looking to have people around, learn conflict resolution skills, not freak out if people touched my shit. That sort of thing.
I've grown oh-so much in these past 2 years. I would recommend roommates to anyone! Even the hard parts, because it's learning and figuring out ways of being.





It's been so nice and so challenging, and so many changes. And for more than a year now it's been the same us four here and that's been great. I'm going to miss Cpt. Heh SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, even though he drives me BANANAS like whoa.
I'm glad that he and I got to live together at some point in our lives because I've considered him a best friend for so long and it was nice to be close again and know each other. Aw aw aw.
(also I'm still annoyed because he doesn't do anything and drinks all my apple juice hahahhaaa)





what times we've had! what a beautiful life! I honestly wouldn't trade any of this (jk tiny parts of it for sure were no good!).














moving day June 1st two years ago. Crazy! I had no idea what to expect in this place. I have no idea what to expect in this new home. I am ridiculously excited for it, though, and to have Turkey Bird by my side and taking care of me like I take care of her. Thanks craigslist for delivering Turkey Bird into my life. And thanks universe for getting us our cool new Parkdale farm!

Pictures to come soon, just as soon as we get there!

p.s. --- we have a dishwasher and a working fireplace!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guys, I've discovered the key to my writing!
It's having Turkey Bird waiting to go for tacos with me, man I've done so much while keeping her waiting!

I probably should stop keeping her waiting.

If anyone hits on me tonight I'm going to yell, "FRIDAY, MORE LIKE TRY-DAY, AM I RIGHT??"
aaaaaand now we know why I'm always single
ahahaaaa no one was wondering.

PS -- I know where all your ex-boyfriends are, they're all on okcupid.com and I've looked at all their profiles! The internet. What a place, man.

My day today consisted mainly of being in wardrobe. I booked a thing which I will tell you all about when it's airing or maybe after I'm all done and finished shooting.
It's different being in this place a second time around. A few years ago I booked sooo many things in one year. Then nothing. Then nothing real for a long while. It's made me way more wary. But since I did the farting spot recently:

I feel like the curse I had has been a bit broken. Curse on my own self for feeling not-good-enough, not-confident? Curse put in place by a real rude witch? I don't know, man.
Either way, I'm happy to be back to a place where I feel like I'm real cool beauty who can book real cool things.

Yep. Real cool beauty. 

I got to try on a million wedding dresses! I said I wanted to get married this year, and this is... better? At least I'm not marrying some turd I barely know? 

Anyhow, more later. 

Also, already (only on fitting day, not even on shoot day) there's already two people I've worked with before and both are like "oh yeah, you are very funny" LIKE THAT'S A THING!  a thing is that I'm funny. Oh so nice. Also, hang around with me because I'm murdering it these days and you'll want to like indiegogo all over my face. 

Then after all this serious business meeting all day, I had celebratory drinks with Carla Ghee and her manly love, Mr. Gee (baaahaha) and I said, "hey guys, imagine if we don't end up finding a place for August 1st? maybe think about it and could I live in your spare room for one month if I paid you so much money?" and instead of thinking about it they announced that the idea would be "pure joy" which is..... oh MAN do you guys even know how much I love these people? 

Growing up fiercely unpopular and struggling with how to even be an honest person but also a cool person and also a person that people can stand to be around... and now to have this fucking rad little magic beasts being like "no kidding you can live with us no problem bring home all the babes you want" is just like................ HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY? 

hopefully by being an honest cool person. hopefully. 

Okayokayokay sleep now. I'm thinking I'll keep my bridal hair tomorrow because, hey, the higher the hair the closer to Jesus. 

Another blog post! Here's a post! For you!

Hey, if I go out less and stay in more, and avoid more creative projects by blogging, we all win!

Big things that are going on in my current life:

a) we're moving. August 1st apparently. Pray for us to find the best apartment and find it soon! We're looking at a few places and waiting to hear back on one we rather loved... It's tough and a bit stressful!

b) I'm feeling better about my creative stuff/acting stuff than I have in awhile. The ongoing curse I felt I was under (curse of feeling not-good-enough, curse of self-sabotage, etc) seems to be lifting. I've got to keep this on the upswing.

c) I get to be a bridesmaid at Carla Ghee's wedding next summer! aw aw! I'm excited for her to be marrying such a kind and lovely man who is my dear friend as well. And I'm excited for the fun party that this surely will be.
Carla Ghee and I have been spending more time together than ever before and I'm finding it nothing if not the best. What a kind, warm, and easy-going woman. Also so fucking funny that it's unreal. What a treat!

(which reminds me, I still need to post all the photos from my very dear Violet's wedding. So much to catch up on, it's unreal.)


Okay, now more about my big trip, there's so much to say and so many photos to post. I really underestimated.

(Moleskine from Violet for my trip! I did a lot of writing in here [never enough, of course] and it was a super nice thing to store all my keepsakes in.)

It's still hurting my feelings to go through my pictures from London and Paris, but at the same time, I really am happy to post them. Hopefully I keep on with the uploading!


You may remember Charlton from last year's trip to NYC. He's now my travel bud and he's so tiny and just the best thing to clutch in my fist. What a cute!


This is from the train in from Gatwick. Oh, the trains, guys! I love love love love taking trains! I'd live in England just to train around all the time!
Seeing the British countryside for the first time was neat neat. My mum's parents came over from Britain when Granny was pregnant with Mum and a lot of the stories I grew up with were British ones, and the only country I feel any sort of actual tie to (besides Canada, of course!) is England. I felt super pleased with the train and the countryside and I wept a little (from exhaustion and nerves? maybe.) while looking out at all the little houses with their millions of chimneys.


I was beyond lucky that my friend who's living in London these days encouraged me to take this trip and then offered me his living room for the week I was there. OUTRAGEOUSLY NICE.
And it wasn't just a normal living room, it was a big room with a big TV, a door I could close, a huge blow-up bed, and one of the most comfortable couches I've ever napped on or sat on.
I cannot get over this guy's hospitality. And his roommates' hospitality! What terrifically nice folks!

Also, he met me at the train station and brought me on the tube back to his place. He got me an Oyster card (for tube and bus travel in London) and a coffee! What the eff! The two things that I so badly needed the moment I stepped from the train.

This was the view from the living room.

So many double-deckers going by non-stop! Double-deckers are so fun!

The area was beautiful and perfect and there were all the shops I needed right around, and pubs and dreamboats of babes. Man, I don't know, no wonder people travel and travel and never stop. But how do you get over the missing of it? I'm tearing up right now with nostalgia! ha!



I bought flowers and treats and Sainsbury's has a whole line of gluten-free products!
My stomach was wonky for the first few days so I did watch a lot of British television.

Ginger beer was my lord and saviour amen during these days. Not that I needed to be drinking alcohol. Leave me alone.
(the liquor store here sells ginger beer and I have some in my fridge I keep forgetting and I'm extra excited to drink it now)

Anyhow, Britain's Most Embarrassing Bodies!
I can't get over that this is a TV show!
I can't get over how much they show! I saw breasts and penises on this show! I saw a guy get surgery on his curvy penis! He was sooooo happy when it was fixed.


My host showed me around the city and gave good advice on where to go and what to see. Also, he's super interested in history and is full-fledged in love with England (even though he grew up mostly in Canada) so he was a constant stream of information and a cool tour guide!



(vegan buffet place thing that my host took me for lunch one day and it was so boho and so charming and delicious and yes please. all those pots in the window, that's all the food. It was crazy packed just a few minutes before I took this.)

I felt rather... at home in Britain. I liked how people spoke and I like how everything looked and it all kind of made sense to me! I had been a little bit worried that everyone in London would be so much more beautiful and chic than me, but nope, I was clearly just not even thinking! I mean, everyone was lovely but I maybe think that Toronto has the most beautiful people I've ever seen. And New York. But also Toronto.
I said to my host, "In Canada I'm like a 7, but here I'm basically a 9.5" and he said, "always a 12, but I see your point" aaaawwww.



Classically, I immediately got a crush, luckily on my host's roommate. I only say luckily because it's handy to have someone nearby who is too cute! British sense of humour, man! I can't actually tell if some of them are funny or if I just prefer the way they deliver everything all the time.
Anyhow, I didn't get to see enough of this roommate, and I wasn't as forward as I should have been seeing as I was on vacation, but I did encourage him to come to Paris with me. I like to think he almost came and met me. It's stupid when people have jobs and can't just take off on a whim and meet up for a week in Paris.
Imagine!?
I have no pictures but you'll have to trust me that he was adorable and if he comes to Canada you'd probably want to hold his hand or some nonsense.



I was coming home the second night I was there, after seeing Louis CK (!!!) and after picking up some falafels and chatting up the handsome Turkish falafel guys and I was going to eat my falafels in the park across the road but I saw there were lights on in the living room window and I thought "I bet the roommate is hanging out in there sort of waiting for me to come home!" so I rushed upstairs. He tried to pretend like he should vacate my room but I was having none of that and I made him stay up way way late with me drinking weird horrible tiny drinks like Cherry B and a weird tonic and talking about everything in the world.


"she's got massive tits and he's staring right at them!" - the roommate about the Magnum Tonic (best read in a British accent, of course)
Like, maybe he was mad about the terrible Cherry B hangover I caused him, but probably not too too mad.

(I'm writing casually about this on here because a- who cares and b- I'm considering being more frank with whatever the eff I feel like writing about [respecting others' privacy of course] on here because no one reads it now which is kind of awesome and c- I'm into good stories)


Look at the cool things from the supermarket! I would pay so much money for some of those pre-mixed pimm's cans right now. Love love love.


I took several pictures of signs that said "To let" because I thought it was utterly hysterical that you could just add an "i" in the middle and it would said "Toilet!" Is this just a joke that Brits have gotten over? Why isn't every sign graffitied this way??


I was super enamoured with these doors, which were much more impressive in real life and the building was twice as long as all this blah blah anyhow, I like buildings!


One evening I met up with a lovely Toronto lady who was living in London and she took me to a bar with a teepee on the roof! It was so windy it felt like it would blow over at any moment but it did have hot rum drinks and a fire to roast marshmallows. We went to see some comedy as well and yep, there are comedy babes in London. In case you were wondering.


Okay, that's all I've got in me for now. Still things to say about England. And mostly next about Brighton. Brighton. And the countryside! One million sighs.