March 24

A good way to stay home is to get a crush that you don't want to see for some reason but is still your #1, and no one seems really any good comparatively. Then you just gotta stay home and do work and not go out looking for babes because who cares.
This is only medium-working for me. I've been out a lot this week but not super late, mostly, and not out looking at babes really, just hanging out with all the good pals. And when I'm home I'm at least considering doing work.







I sent away a DNA test with Family Tree DNA. As y'all know, I'm born of donor insemination and have no idea anything really about my bio-dad. There's a group of us now who have all found each other who were all born around the same time/had the same doctor/at the same hospital, and all of us are getting testing. There's already one sibling match, and we're hoping for more. More and more people our age, even, are finding out that they have donor fathers (why people keep this from their kids kind of mystifies me, when it comes down to it) and go searching and find us.
I got my DNA test results back but so far no sibling matches. A few second-cousins but nothing very close.
Here's my ethnic breakdown, though, according to my DNA:

How do I feel about all of this?
I don't know. Emotional, but a bit closed-off?
Family stuff is strange because the only thing our bodies are made up of at first is other people.
When I look at my own face I only see my mum's family because that's all I know. And I look just like them, really. But it is strange to consider how one half of my genetic make up came from some weird stranger!

Like, I assume that my donor was the kindest, most beautiful man in the world. But he's actually probably just some guy. Like a regular guy who I quite possibly wouldn't even like.
I'd still like to look at that guy's face for once.

As for siblings... I would very much like to know who they are.
I do feel disappointed that I don't have any matches so far, but I hope I eventually meet people who are related to me on my bio-dad's side. So I'm going to keep assuming I will.

As far as being Spanish? Ha, yeah, I'll take it!
I expected that it would come back as virtually all Orcadian (what they use to mean originated in England/
We know that on my mum's side our family were pretty much in England and Scotland forever, but it's quite possible they originated in Basque or France or Spain, I suppose!
Or maybe I have a tiny French and Spanish father, which would differ from the tall fair bio-dad I have in my mind. It's the mystery of it, guys.





Chanel. hahaa what a cat!


I had a sad face after watching an episode of my favourite TV show. I won't even tell you which TV show made me so sad in case you're watching it and you don't know how sad it'll be. I cried.
Not that I don't always cry, I definitely always cry.

Okay now I'm done avoiding work by writing on here and have to go find another way to avoid it for awhile I guess.

March 17

I bought myself this backpack today! My mum gave me Christmas money to buy one but I only just got around to it. I was/am not quite quite certain but I think it's better than the black one I was considering. Because anyone could have a black backpack. Also I see myself wearing this with sundresses as I bike over to the island SO SOON SO SOON SO SOON will it be warm so soon? please god say yes.

I would like to post photos here that I haven't really posted anywhere else, but sometimes it's not that easy also it's hard because my favourite photos go to Instagram (my favourite thing ever is Instagram I love it I try to see every single thing that anyone I follow ever posts on there because I love seeing people's lives).

My cousin said to the internet lately that she hates "selfies" hahahahahahaaaahahaaaa how does she love me, still?
I LOVE SELFIES.
I love seeing people's faces. I do, though, hate the word selfie as I think it devaluates a photo. People have been trying to photograph themselves for years and only now do we have perfect technology for such a pursuit! (thank you, timer app)
I'm glad that my cousin seems to have softened on the subject, even posting a couple of her own wonderfully cute self-portraits. She's right, sometimes someone will be missing your face so you better post a photo of it for them.

(Probably should post a photo of my face here but I don't got the right one)


Here's a look at our table that isn't done yet but will be soon. Also, look how big Chanel is. What a muppet.

I think a big part of the lack of blogging over the past few years (besides becoming a super social creature who is never ever home) is the mini-blogging that happens now with Twitter, Facebook, Instagram.
For a bit I was trying to say different things on Twitter than on Facebook, but now mostly I just post to both. I'd like to have an overflow of content for all streams but no dice.
It's crazy to me how some days I can have a super pile of ideas for things (not all good, of course) and other times I'll go days without noticing one funny thing. Is it a focusing-in?
Maybe.

I realized after last night's post that I had actually stayed in every night last week (besides evening work shifts) except one. HOW BANANAS. WHO AM I?
I told Flash Gordon and she said "are you alright?"
To be fair, I did drink a lot of wine at home a couple of nights, so... But I've also been productive and feeling right nice about it.
Turkey Bird may not be that enthused to have me around way more often, especially since I interrupt her studying every two seconds to announce a new, terrible sketch idea or to tell her the same story I already told her about my #1 crush.
"oh, you still love his trying-not-to-laugh-face?" "oh, you still think he should date a librarian instead of you?" etc etc etc etc
Sorry sorry sorry (not actually too sorry) I don't actually think she minds yet.

Actually, I just clicked through the internet over to THIS and I laughed so so so so so loud and she's in bed and then I cried with laughter so she may be awake now. And angry.
Also I keep texting her "Barraco Barner" because I saw this tweet on the internet and I love everything about it

I have been whispering Barraco Barner to myself for a full 24 hours now.



Yesterday I pulled this handfull out of my inside jacket pocket, showed Violet and announced that I was "The Wolf of Wallstreet"


This is a face that wants to bite me, no kidding. I like her red fur.


There's only a few minutes in the afternoons when light comes into the narrow alley between my bedroom window and the house next door. It's lovely, but terrifically short. I would pay money to get more light in my room. I love light, I nap better in a sunbeam than anywhere else I can sleep in a room with full sun no problem I love light light light. But my room is dark. Luckily lovely.

Okay, I'm going out now. SO STRANGE.

March 16

This is what my room look like, kind of. When it's clean. It's never really tidy or anything because I just don't live like that. It's nothing compared to what my disaster has been in the past, though.
I love my little room, it's nothing if not me.
I wonder if I'll stop liking flowers. My roommate, Turkey Bird, does not prefer flower prints! I can't even imagine. Luckily she does prefer real flowers and plants of all kinds. Last week I bought three plants this week she bought three plants, it's getting to be a real plantarium around here.

Oh I already posted a photo like this? Well, that's dumb but I don't have much to take photos of these days because life is boring and the weather sucks.
I stayed in 4 nights this week which is basically unheard of in my life. I mean, I did go out for hours this afternoon but then I came right home after work.

I saw my best friend, Violet, this afternoon. She is a lawyer which means her life is not like my life at all. I asked her when she'll be having babies I could hold and she said probably not for a couple of years and that made me mad because, Violet, I could have babies by then for chrissakes.
What am I supposed to do with my arms in the interim?

A couple of weeks ago Violet announced that she thought she would never be a bridesmaid. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! Violet does not think I'm going to get married.
Ha, well, does anyone at this point?
She said she just thought I wouldn't have a traditional style bridal party or anything but it turns out she doesn't know me at all because I don't know about traditional but if anyone manages/agrees to be bound to me then I will certainly have all of my 15-20 best friends stand up with me and shout it out loud.

Wait, let me count how many I actually have.
fourteen.
Unless aunts can be bridesmaids, then sixteen.
Boys and brothers and cousins can definitely be bridesmaids that I know.

Wow, no one's going to get themselves into this mess, hey?


I've got Chanel. Oh wait, no she belongs to Turkey Bird. I'm not worried, to be honest with you. I'm not at the place where I should be settling down. I have too much work to do.
Even with my #1 crushes these days I think, "no thank you you go away for a year or two maybe get a boring girlfriend for a bit and see you later I have to do better work first so you'll see how I am really inside and be so proud"


Hey here's a doorway in my room. There's two doors one window in here, for you need-to-knows.
I like the banner over the doorway that my cousin made me it wishes everyone good travels on their way out of my life (forever).
I bought those two wood prints in Venice beach and the guy who made them was so handsome!



I wish I had someone to follow me around taking pictures of me like I've been doing for Nicole. She's a few years younger than my ADULT THIRTY and she has changed a whole lot in the couple of years I've known her. So have I, of course. But, there's something about early-mid-twenties. I miss it/don't ever miss it.
I'm also Nicole's best audience, she has the left-field kind of thinking/humour that I'm most envious of. Most of my thoughts/jokes/ideas are very linear and based in real life, I can tell you exactly why I thought of a thing and it's usually because someone else thought of it first. Am I giving up trade secrets here? Hahaaa oh man no.

Nicole and I are a comedy duo now called Tall Sigh which happened by accident and we did our first show together last weekend and we were like "why aren't we onstage all the time we love being onstage everyone look" and this is the best decision but also a disaster since all we do is hang out and make jokes that only we find funny and laugh and laugh for hours and talk about men full time instead of making actual jokes that actual other people would find funny. Soon. We'll fucking figure it out.

Nicole and I were (drunkenly) reminiscing about how we were when we first met (we did the conservatory program at Second City together).
Me: I thought we would immediately be best friends and was confused when you didn't reciprocate the feeling
Nic: I thought you were trying to steal everything from me

Being friends with people who are competitive by nature is pretty interesting if one is not a competitive person. It's a negotiation, but neat! I'd like to become more competitive, actually, but instead I'll probably just look at some more pins on pinterest for awhile and think about how much I want to get engaged but also how the idea of a real relationship makes me panicky and wary.


The nicest thing you can do for a person is post any good pictures you've taken of them.


Okay, Parkdale moon, I see you. And goodnight.

March 13

Lovely weather today. If it were Christmas today, I mean.
Yesterday like, what, 12 above? And then 30 below overnight tonight. It's giving-up weather.

Here are some things about lately:


Actra awards a couple weeks ago. I had a really, really fun time. I generally do. I got right drunk and then wandered around looking for my various crushes, found one and made him dance with me and he was a surprisingly good dancer.
Good dancers, man.
If I ever cheat on my husband I hope it's for that reason. "He was just... dancing, man" (I will call my husband "man" only)


My room, lately. I've gotten a lot of stuff up on the walls, finally. It feels much nicer in here to me now. I am such a stuff-person.
"The only thing I like better than stuff? Things!" - my mother

We put the papasan chair back together wrong and we rather like it. WHAT REBELS THIS HOUSE HOLDS!


I never thought I could think a black cat was so beautiful. Does that make me a shallow and terrible person? Certainly it does. Anyhow, I'm proven a decent person by changing, by growing. And now I know the beauty of Chanel. She looks so different to me all the time and her face is just so rude and beautiful! It bites me so much! She's a weird muppet to hold in my arms!
And just look at the tufts of fur between her toes. My favourite.



All I have to take photos of these days is me, Chanel, and my house. It's good not to go out all the time but also I miss it. I'm eager eager desperate for real spring. And even more so for full-summer.
Making out on playgrounds in the middle of the night, and bike rides on the island. Oh holy god it doesn't even seem possible right now.



I was on a date and my date's friend made this bead arrangement and I thought it was surprisingly lovely! I was very pleased.

When said date decided he was done going on dates with me because I'm not the kind of person one tries to settle down with these days and because I wasn't being nice enough. I felt sad (not rightfully sad, selfishly sad) and I took myself on a date to the Communist's Daughter where this guy lives:

If you think to yourself "Meredith, why don't you fall in love with him?" don't worry I've already considered it and will continue considering it for about a million years, I bet. We do love each other, though. And we speak frankly and caringly and he's so nice for a hug. If you had a bartender like this in your life you'd feel better. I'm happy sitting at the counter on my own, writing, drinking red wine and having bits of talks with him. Very happy.


If you are going to get your hair cut I have to recommend more than anyone in the world Melody at Quinn West. She's the only reason I can have short hair. Also Nicole (pictured here) went to see her and then gushed forever about her and also Melody made Nic's hair so glorious that it went straight to her head and she acted extra-bratty all evening because of it (in the best way, really).



I am tired of wintertime-dressing and my wintertime-face. I have a spring face or a fall face. Maybe a summer face, but definitely enough winter face.

View from Dollface's place where I was house-sitting a few weeks ago. A beautiful city.

The light from all of the windows at Dollface's house means that I took all the photos of myself.



I do think my eyes are getting bigger in my old age. I liked my friend's theory that our heads shrivel and so our eyes look bigger. Also all the mascara.

It's nice to recap like this and look at these photos and see how beautiful my life is these days.
I've decided that absolutely no one reads this anymore except my family and maybe two people, so I'm happy enough to write whatever the f I like, which is a supernice treat since all I like is honesty.

It's a really, really nice life I'm leading and I have to listen to that and use that as a place to go from.
Lately it's been hard not to feel less-than and jealous and wanting and especially
nnnnnnot-good-enough

and the truth is that I have plenty of talent and plenty of looks, and my life is just different from every single other person's life. It's not less-than or better-than, it's just mine.
And since I've been happy, since I am happy, and plan to continue being really happy, then I'm doing a good job.

I think sometimes we don't give enough credit just for living well.
What good is any type of success or talent or beauty if you're not enjoying it?

more california, for ya

There's so many photos from my California trip, here are a few more of them.

this is the face of a lady who is not impressed with all the flights in the world being cancelled.

When we finally did get on a plane we did order a prrrretty sweet snack pack (and several margaritas). Those apricots still live in my purse. I don't know why.

Our Salt Lake City motel room. We went hot-tubbing and then jumped on the beds. So, basically, it was the time of our lives.




To take off a jacket when it has been winter and is suddenly no longer winter.. I can't explain it.

We yelled and jumped and down after getting off the plane and finally being at our actual destination after 36 hours of travel. We were so, so pleased. Just stoked right up.


Our first poolside drinks were beautiful patron margaritas from the friendliest bartender at our hotel. He poured the tequila, looked at us, poured some more. It's like he knew us.


View from our Palm Springs hotel room. It was like a goddamn dream I wish I hadn't woken from.

My uniform for Palm Springs.



It was just me and Carla Ghee together full-time for the first few days of the trip (occasionally accompanied by her film's producer, right) and we started speaking together and finishing each other's sentences and wearing the same outfits by accident (then on purpose).
This brunch place was so great and had bottomless champagne at brunch for $3.99/person. Not kidding. Mimosa city.



everything about Palm Springs seems photoshopped and unreal. And beautiful and lovely. And warm.


Before the screening we had dinner and snuck around the side to where there was a little hotel area and hammocks outside of people's rooms and Carla Ghee immediately got in all of them.

I mean, we all did, really.



I am nowhere near sad here, just bad at photos. We brought so many dresses. It was all we packed, really. And we only wore a few of them.


at the Gay!la party we went to for the Palm Springs film fest we were actually the life of the whole event and constantly talked people into dancing and danced onstage and had an awesome conga line. I like a party with dancing and props (and open bar).


Life by the pool was very hard for me. Just kidding, this was the last day in Palm Springs, so it was rather tough. We were on our way to LA, which was the best, but leaving Palm Springs was nowhere near easy. Especially that day.

This time of year is hard and looking back on this isn't particularly easy. I've only seen Carla Ghee once or twice since coming back and she's going away soon and I don't know what'll happen with our friendship, or even where it's at now. She has her partner anyhow.
My roommate has a new boyfriend and he's her focus now.
Norman spends all of his time writing (big congratulations, in the most sincere way to that guy) these days.
Virtually all of my other friends are married or engaged, and that will always be their priority.

I'm lonely. Not lonely like I don't know enough people-- lonely for a best friend.
Or it's March, or things are changing.

It's weird watching a part of your life coming to an end. I'm not as nostalgia-based as I once was, I'm not as set on holding onto everything, but it's still quite horrific to me. To lose people, to realize I'll never be as important to someone as I'd want to be.

There's possibilities for greatness and newness in change, but it's still something that makes me uncomfortable.

Last time here I said I had changed, but in most ways I'm exactly the same. Exactly the kind of person who expects too much from their friends.
Sometimes it serves me well, sometimes it breaks my heart.