I am in desperate need of a giant crying session. The kind where it's a bit panicky and I cry about every single thing that's ever happened to me and I call my mum and worry the hell out of her and then the next day I feel way better. I neeeed that.
Unfortunately, I don't have the time. I don't have the time, I especially don't have the energy, and I also don't feel like being sad. The shit thing about me and sadness is that if I don't have time for it, then it just gets switched over into anger or irritation. Both are uncomfortable emotions, but way less so than feeling sad. For me sometimes, anyway.
Also, the other thing about my lack of melt-down is that everything is really great. Even the things that are hard are still for the best. I mean, it's upsetting when things change or when I don't always get what I want, but change is good, and sometimes I want things that are terrible for me.
My starters for melting-down are generally:
A) my career/creativity is shit and nothing will ever happen for me
this isn't currently true, I've got a lot of things going on. Everything is in early stages, but I'm excited for how good of a comedian I'm becoming, and all that is going to come from that. I'm excited about my writing and my plans for projects are getting rather out of hand (in a good way). I'm gathering new confidence and new ambition and it feels pretty nice.
B) my love life is shit.
okay, yeah, this one is pretty true, but when is it not? I think I finally broke my mother, in terms of she just thinks I'm straight-up insane and cannot be trusted to have a relationship! I find this spectacular, to some degree. I'm not as upset about things here as I could be because I have an odd sort of trust lately that I'm being good and rational and even though my judgement is bananas, I'm still treating everyone properly so... Also, I have faith that at some point I'll like someone who is a sane and rational person who likes me and is nice to me. HA, not if I keep trying to date comedians, though.
C) I have no friends and everyone hates me.
I have the best friends and everyone likes me, so I'm not crying over this, no siree. Everyone is very beautiful and talented and I love so many people it's unreal.
D) I'm homesick.
Well, I am homesick, but I was also just there so it's not as big of a deal. Plus Christmas is coming soon and I'll be going back again, then!
So... you can see, I'm having a hard time setting myself off and getting all of the sadness out because nothing is that terrible. Which is why I'd like to read a really great novel I could cry for years at. Or watch a film like that... not that I have time for reading or watching right now because I'm in the middle of working something stupid like 16 shifts in 11 days or something bananas like that.
Maybe Monday I'll have time for my big cry. Yeah, maybe I'll set aside Monday for that activity. Ha, we'll see.
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