finally 30

Hello, I'm 30 now.



I should be sleeping!
Tomorrow is Christmas day! (well, in a few minutes, actually.)
It's been my birthday all day. My 30th birthday. I've had an online diary since I turning 18, I believe.





I wonder sometimes if it's not Christmas I love, so much as all of the build-up.
No, part of Christmas is the build-up. And the parties. And the events and well-wishing.

This year it's felt like it's been Christmas for a whole month already, at least!
This is due mostly to how my Toronto home is the loveliest, warmest, coziest place and we've made it so festive and nice and just a dream to hang out in.
And my roommate feels like home to me and our home feels like home, and Christmas has felt like it's all over my body and heart for weeks.
Maybe that's why I feel a bit sad tonight? That it's almost the end of it again?












I feel sad I think because the holidays are stressful. So much to do, so many different people to see. All the catching up, and the coming face to face with missing everyone. Missing everyone at my other home. Feeling awkward and big and clumsy, like I don't fit properly in Saskatoon these days. Feeling like I would fit back here if I stayed for long enough or came back often enough. It's all stressors that are uncomfortable in.

It hurts my heart to look at my little cousin who is in high school now and think I've missed so much of his growing up.
I'm finding it hard to know how to be a great friend to my friends with young kids, or how to hang out with them. It feels ridiculous that I don't know their kids really.
I don't want to live in Saskatoon anymore.

I always thought I wanted to move back at some point, or at least spend a lot of time here. I would still spend time here, but I don't want to live here. Which is a hard thing to come to terms with.

Life is exciting for me right now and I'm very happy, especially on a day to day basis. I'm just a bit sad right now, I think just because of how overwhelming everything is.
It's funny because as much as I go on about how much I love Christmas, pretty much every year I have a melt down. It makes sense, though. A lot to go through.

And there's sadnesses in this city that I can avoid thinking about in Toronto.
Three of the four cats my mum had had for the past 15 years or so have died, so it's just Adventure Cat here with me, and she's so lovely, but I miss the others quite fiercely.

And other things, bigger sadnesses and missing people that are written all over here. Some streets are hard to go down, some buildings are hard to see.

When I was younger I was built on premature nostalgia, and I was always looking back. Familiarity was king and I loved what I loved and wanted to do the same kinds of things over and over again.
It's an interesting and maybe difficult shift but I'm much more future-thinking these days.
I want new traditions and new places and big adventures and everything everything everything in the world seems right at my fingertips, everything seems just about to happen. And I am trusting my whole self and body and spirit to be good and true and honest and figure out how to make it all work.

But I can still be sad.
If I like, I can be sad occasionally. Or even if I don't like, I bet.

I'm really excited for the next 2/3s of my life. I'm really excited that I'm myself and I get to keep on living as me and seeing what will happen next.

Happy 30th birthday to me.
Happy Christmas and holidays and new year to all all all allll alllll of you who I hold so dear in my heart and arms.