floor-bed

Norman's out on the town and I'm not out with him, which is pretty bizarre! Although one time earlier this week we were out and he stayed in. Even stevens we are.



Speaking of-- Norman recently wrote a really remarkable blog about his long-time love of rap. Norman's blog is actually always worth the read. I'm not just saying that because our love springs eternal.
Oh, I just looked at his site just now and the newest one about his great-grandmother is just so, so lovely.


I bought clogs. I don't remember ever even thinking about wanting to buy clogs. These were very cheap. I'm into them. Weird decision, certainly.

(a ghost came and the ghost was like "heeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy")



Comedy is hard. Do I talk about comedy enough? It still feels very foreign to me that I'm a comedy performer. A "comedian". There's only so long I'm going to be allowed to feel new about it.
I used to think I'd hate the part where I'm constantly examining why something is funny and how and so on. I don't hate it. I find it interesting. I can't imagine feeling more sure and unsure at the same time about something.


(birthmark back)


I would pay all the money I could find/borrow/steal to just buy a shitload of confidence to use at my convenience. I'd pay it no problem because I'm certain that's the only thing keeping me from doing all the things I should be doing.
Getting there, getting there.

I've always been a late bloomer, in pretty much every way. I lost my last baby tooth just before entering 9th grade. It takes me awhile to get to things, sometimes. Most times.
So it's okay that now I'm a comedian. It's okay that I'm still scared of it and nervous about it and figuring it out. It'll be okay if I finally really do stand-up at 40 (or in a week or two, whichever).
It's hard to remember that youth is just the tiniest section of my life and everything that happens enriches and adds to what I already know and can make me better.

Not having dealines isn't a good excuse not to work, Meredith.

It is strange, also, to go from being an avid comedy watcher and enjoyer and supporter to being a performer and working with people I've admired. Going from being a fan to a peer, basically. And it's hard to imagine talking them into working with me, because of course I'm just the person who goes to shows, not the person who does them. Not now, though.
Oh, I'm so jealous of the easy, sturdy confidence so many people seem to ooze. So remarkably jealous.

But also, while we're on the subject, being a "comedian" isn't making me less bratty, I'll tell you that for free. It's (embarrassingly) making me much worse about pointing out what I don't like about other people's jokes. It's making me far more annoyed with how people go about humour sometimes. It's making it impossible to think about falling in love with anyone because they would have to be the funniest but then also that probably somehow wouldn't be enough or I'd just feel furious about not being as funny.
I'm not satisfied with my own level of comedy and so I'm remarkably hard on everyone else. COOL MOVE.



I'm still revelling in loving the jokes I love, though.  Lately I've been working a lot with one of my bffs, Flash Gordon, and we frequently fall over laughing. And the jokes aren't ones I can relay, I can just guarantee that to us they are pure magic. I wouldn't know how to bottle our interactions, explain them, or write them in a screenplay, but I wish I could because it's very nice.

Anyway.
Second Cottage Friendship Retreat Weekend this weekend. Where is time going? Looks like it'll be at least 12 (!) people up there at some point and I'm just so excited because we're going up for several days and lots of people are coming at different times and mannnnn do I like socializing.


(such a young-looking one, still. I wonder if I'll become a creepy old-young faced guy soon.)

I put my bed on the floor. Sometimes you just lose patience. This was one of those times. I have bigger plans for this set-up and I need my tablecloths back from Mrs (ohh yeah, Mrs is now ACTUALLY a MRS now. so bizarre) that she used at her wedding. Mrs and Arrow's weddings was one of the most lovely, tasteful, perfect parties I've ever been to. Aaaaaand I love them.

Also, guys, I'm taking the train back to Saskatoon real soon and I'm actually ridiculously excited for that adventure, and on the train I'd really like for there to be:
a) a mystery I get to solve
b) sweet babes
c) secret booze I don't get caught with
d) fun surprises

how to show you're not interested

everyone has been waiting so patiently for my new dating advice video -- I'm not quite sure how you guys are managing without my sage wisdom, but here:



(I'm still insanely busy but also having the best time. I was a bridesmaid in the most lovely wedding on the weekend and if you follow me on twitter or instagram or are my fb friend then you forsure know all about it!)

(two jobs tomorrow or I'd stay up late writing more!)

here's an honest bit

(I'm going to try not to backtrack and pre-apologize for my own self and my own thoughts in this entry. Try.)



I'm only interested in honesty these days. I have a big, big interest in honesty. I mean, I always have but lately, man. It's all I care about.

sometimes I don't think I get enough credit.

I don't get enough credit for being a rational human.
In the past I have certainly been less than rational. But then, who hasn't? I've been impulsive and interested in pushing situations and seeing what I can get away with. It goes along with being a young person. Everyone handles being young differently.
I'm still so, so young. And so selfish. I know that is very true.

I do have patterns. I have two-week involvements and I have few-month involvements. I've never been in a serious long-term relationship. I don't do this on purpose, it's how things work themselves out.
And there's been times in recent years where when something happens (or doesn't happen or fails to be realized) that I'll have people say things like "Oh, Meredith, when are you going to learn how to have a relationship?"

I love liking people. I am full-hearted and cocks-on-the-table in terms of my levels of affection for people I like. In friendships I pursue and rope in and befriend like there is no tomorrow. I tenderly whisper my love to my pals, or tell them in awkward loud yell-laughs, or write it in lots of letters if I feel too awkward around them. I like people so, so much! I love loving people and caring for them and looking out for them and being involved in their lives.
Want to know how I somehow wrangled the best people in the world to be my best friends? THAT'S HOW.
By caring about them until I could just burst into one thousand pieces.



I'm so proud to be with each and every one of my good pals. Just so pleased to have them on my arm and introduce them to people and take them out on the town. What a fucking lucky gremlin, I am!

So, naturally, it follows based on this being my personality, that I like babes. I like babes so much. And I have a real cool skill of being able to have a crush on such a wide variety of people. Sort of like how I have such a wide variety of friends in different circles who I like for very different reasons. If there's an element of kindness, honesty, and good humour in a human, I want them around me.
I see potential and interesting things in so many people, and I want to push that and pursue it.
I think humans are so intricate and detailed, and there is such, such beauty in everyone.

With friends, it goes so much more unnoticed if I quickly befriend someone and then they don't end up being close in my life. When it turns out we aren't that compatible, it's not revolutionary.
It's harder with babes.
It's especially harder with babes because society has set up relationships to be the be-all and end-all. They're everyone's ultimate goal.

I find this SO SILLY and also completely valid.


You want to build a relationship with someone and have them join your family and make a new family with them and share your whole future?
OF COURSE THAT'S IMPORTANT.
but.  if that's not what happens, then you're fine! I'm fine! It's fine to be alone! It's actually sometimes the most wonderful, coolest time. Partnership is not necessary. IT JUST ISN'T. (okay, maybe it is for you and I fully understand that and support it.)

Short involvements with babes are harder in my life because I get so involved and wrapped up in things and enjoy talking about it and dissecting it and dreaming about it. Which is natural, I believe.

The most simple reason why my relationships are short is because I know what I know when I know it. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but I've never regretted ending anything. I've never looked back and been like "holy shit, how did I let that get away from me".
I know who I am, and I like who I am, and I know what I like.
And as soon as I get it into my head that the relationship would not last forever then I get out. I can't pretend, I can't stick around working on things that I know are not true enough. I think it does me and my partner a disservice by keeping us in something that's not good enough.

And I don't regret being dumped. By anyone. I don't regret having crushes that weren't reciprocated. All of this is just true things that happened, I'm who I am because of what has happened. If someone doesn't want to date me then lord knows I don't want to be involved with them either!
I've been involved with some brats, but for the most part I still really respect/admire/like the men I've been involved with. I've been lucky to know a lot of great people.

I know I'm remarkably un-choosy in my vast array of vague crushes, that's just a fun that I have!
I'm slightly more choosy in terms of who I kiss or date, and then ridiculously, horrendously choosy about who I will have a proper relationship with.
BECAUSE I SHOULD BE.

I don't have patience for people who stay in things that are not-great. Especially because it's usually out of fear, or out of the desire to fight for someone's love. To be validated.

Cool, I can validate myself at home, alone. if you know what I'm saying.

I'm so happy on my own. I'm me being me. It's easiest to be honest and the nice kind of person I want to be when I'm on my own.

If I'm going to be in a relationship it's going to be because it is as good, or better than being by myself. And if, in the first few months, it's not as good, then I'm right to get out.

And, guys, I have the best possible friends in the universe that I can't wait to see and can't wait to hang out with and until it happens that I can sustain that feeling with a man I'm dating, then I have no interest in that situation!
Until I feel like the luckiest person to be with him, and him with me. Then, no no no that's not a cool venue for me. Nope nope.



If there's a person who's going to be a priority in my life then they need to be the best person for me. So many men I know are the best people, but they are not the best people for me. And I'm not the best me with them.
I just can't be in that right now.

This is not about how relationships take work and how there are ups and downs. I see that, I agree with that, big loves are not simple and easy and always straight-forward, but that's not what I'm on about right now.

Relatedly, I think it's unfair to judge me for having a lot of crushes and for kissing people I feel like kissing since:
a) those things are very fun
and
b) how do I know what I want unless I find it?

And the thing is, when I'm in something, I'm in it. I'm just in it. I'm not crazy and looking at other babes, I'm good at being with one person. When I'm in something good I can't imagine being anywhere else. I'm loyal, and I'm a care-taker.

I just have no intention of living a chaste and restrained life, waiting for a husband to come and find me. I'm interested in being the most honest, having the most fun, and having big adventures.
Those are my priorities right now.

If a big TRUE LOVE never ever happens for me I'll be quite surprised, but I'm GD happy these days. So GodDamned happy these days.
And if you meet me when I'm 82 and I say, "I should have listened, it was my patterns that screwed me up, I did never get anyone a proper chance, I did only want what I couldn't have"
then you can go ahead and say I told you so!
Until then, I'm going to go ahead with crushes, and loving who I can, and trying to be the most kind and the most honest and see where that takes me.


I apologize for sounding self-righteous. I will hopefully be growing out of that soon.

(Photos of Carla Ghee, Prune, and Cheespie. For just a few examples of some of the best people in the universe who I am too lucky to be loved by.)

cottage dreams

I'm back from the cottage. It's much hotter in the city. The sun sets behind the cottage and it gets shady very early in the evening and cools down the house. I'm never too hot in the evenings there beside the lake. I like being chilly at night, wearing sweatpants, roasting marshmallows in the fireplace, sleeping under a big duvet.




I like the cottage, you may have guessed.
I read zero books. I drank one hundred beers. I ate everything in sight. Had some good chats, had some really, really fantastic swims.
It's funny because I'm a bit hesitant about going into the water at first. I mean, I still do it, but I wonder if I even like swimming. But once I'm in, man. Last one out, basically always.
Last night it was pretty cool all day and then it rained a bit off and on and I took myself out on a kayak expedition around the lake just before sunset and I felt the water and it was warm, so when I got back I went swimming.
so fucking lovely. It was maybe the warmest the water was all weekend. And Dollface was in the sunroom basically ignoring me and Kaya (the dog) wasn't too whiney about me being in the lake for so long and I just dicked around in there like there was no tomorrow.
The best.



Hopefully I will have more to say about this later. Right now I'm hot and tired. I'm refusing to get out of my bathing suit and I'm having a dinner beer. No interest in reality. No interest at all.

It was a super low-key and relaxing weekend. No mascara, no cool outfits, no one to feel awkward around.
In August I think it will be maybe 7 or 12 people or more or less and it will be way more of a party weekend and I'm excited for that. But I'm pleased at how relax-a-saurus this weekend was. Caught up on all my sleeping and lazing about.





this bikini is from Giant Tiger. Prune had the same one at one point, I copied her by buying it. I wonder if she still owns hers.



Thank god for blogs, otherwise what would be the point of taking all these photos.



Probably should go see what my bender gang is up to. I haven't seen them in a couple weeks, which in bender gang time is approximately one year.

dock's a-waiting!

Quick Q! How many bikinis is too many to pack?? haahhaaaa just kidding I'll only take three.



t minus some minutes before I leave for FRIENDSHIP RETREAT COTTAGE WEEKEND. ughgughgghhh. I'm so excited!


stone cottage dreamhome. who wants to pitch in and buy this with me?? come on. let's get serious.





oh yeah, so I met my new roommate, Chanel:



Oh yeah, she came with a human. The human seems nice. hahahaaaaa awww I love cats. Chanel purred around my legs already this morning.
I wonder what my new lady-roommate's nickname will be. She's a stranger I met for the first time yesterday so we'll have to give it a moment to figure it out!

Got a headache in my brain from drinking and not sleeping enough but last night was a whole lot of fun. Remount of the Book of Moron.

Guys. on a semi-related note, all of my hardwork in friendships has really paid off for me. I have the BEST friends. Honestly. I have friends that I want to cry when I see them because they are that nice and great and love me so much. Anyway, thanks to everyone who came out to this show. A year of work!
I can't believe that it's done. I'm quite sad. It's crazy when something this intensive is over.
Such good work we did. We came so fucking far. I love that some of my friends came to our first class shows and got to be amazed at how far we've come.
nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice



BRB GUYS HERE THIS IS WHERE I'LL BE!



I can't wait to get into my bedroom!!! I can't wait! I can't wait to look out my window (oh yeah, also this is definitely Dollface's family's cottage but I definitely pretend it's for me only mostly. haahahaha yeeeeeahhhh)

harm reduction chair

Remember when I wasn't ever busy and only worked like 20 hours a week and my only hobbies were blogging?

Is this the longest stretch of time I've ever gone without updating this? Possibly. I'm filled with good intentions of getting back into it. FILLED TO THE BRIM.

here's a video I made a couple of months ago that's good voice work on my part. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I made it in a few hours for the Second City training centre's weekly video competition based on the word "potato".

Hey, guess what! I left the country!
Yeah yeah for the very first time ever in my life I crossed the border into the united states. Hey today is the 4th of July. That's their day.




this is me at our first rest stop after crossing the border. I was pretty excited. Goddamn that's a long drive to NYC, hey? I don't know how some people do it super fast. Speeding, I guess. We did it long.

I have a new stranger roommate coming tomorrow. The last time a stranger moved in it was Yulie, so I have high hopes.
It's too hot to clean but I need to clean so badly. It's hard with everyone coming and going, but once this roommate is officially in we can start making it like a real proper home. HOPEFULLY!


Hey look, it's Sass aka Joey aka my old Toronto bud who is currently living in NYC. In this photo she is my boyfriend and we are in the secret garden of the air b n b my team stayed at.


my good-looking improv team and I did our show at 10:45 on Sunday morning. We had a small house (some of our buds came to our show. thank you, buds!) but did a solid set. I was actually really pleased with how we did. It was nice having a low-pressure time slot and a clock that was counting down our 30 minutes. I relaxed.

It's dumb how much my nerves and lack of self confidence ruin my life. Working working wooorking on it.


I feel like I'm getting better looking these days. I would say forsure it's because of my curling wand, my interest in dressing slightly better, and possibly how I've lost quite a bit of weight (though I get defensive on that point because I don't like the idea that one's weight dictates one's level of attractiveness).
But for sure the number one thing is how I'm less nervous of everyone. I'm just more happy in my own body and brain. That's a thing that's obvious and appealing, I think.


new (old) computer that I bought for $300 because I spilled tea into my macbook pro. I kind of love this guy, so far. And he doesn't feel too fancy for me!

work tonight and then rehearsal tomorrow and then we remount THE BOOK OF MORON my Second City conservatory graduation show.
I can't believe how much I've not written about on here. Upsetting.
Anyway, I'm done conservatory now and we HIT IT OUT OF THE PARK with our grad show. I'm very pleased with what I got in the show in the end (despite some rough patches in the process for suuure).
awhile ago I wrote a list of things I wanted for myself in the show:
-scene where I am an engaged and realistic actor
-scene that showcases how dynamic and energetic I can be
-scene where I get to play a big and playful character

I get to do all that and a bunch more. And I get to support some fuuuuucking hilarious performers in their work. What a process. What a time this has been.

Anyhow, if you're around tomorrow (July 5th) at 11 p.m. come to the Second City's mainstage and judge for yourself. You might as well, really!

If you don't follow me on twitter then you're missing out. That's what I do instead of blogging. I'm a big fan of twitter.

 This weekend is the first of COTTAGE of the 2 cottage weekends Dollface and I have planned for ourselves. I am very, very excited. I feel like I've earned all of the relax time I'm going to enjoy this weekend. Hahahahahaaaa earned.