okokok here's the skinny:
it gets dark too early and now that it's 7:13 a.m. that seems made up: sunsets and sunrises seem made up and arbitrary.
I feel like going to visit my friend who I hadn't seen in too long at 3 in the morning was a completely valid way to spend my time and maybe that's because anything seemed preferable to sitting in my house feeling a bit sad for too many tiny reasons that weren't adding up to anything solid.
it's less than two months until Christmas and I love Christmas I love Saskatoon at Christmastime I won't stop loving that. I booked all my flights and I'll be there for 15 days, that's more than two weeks because I can't bear the thought of getting older and maybe not being able to be there for all of it. I'm obsessed with the past and the future. If only I could concentrate of making this present the best.
just now we passed by ella's uncle and they were opening up shop and we passed by joggers, who jogs in the middle of the night? we asked each other, then realized it's morning.
speaking to my mum last night about my faulty heart and lack of surety, and she said "maybe it's not your heart that's faulty..."
I'm sure don't know what she was inferring but I'm sure we can all take guesses.
I'm very aware of how mean I've been in the past. I know how mean/rude/cold I can be and I know how needy/sad/asking I can be and trying to negotiate how to be an honest and a good person is a bit of hard work.
Thinking back to how awful I've been is a strange.
I do not mean to be awful. But my lack of patience I do not feel is my worst characteristic.
I'm loving where I mean it. The problem is that sometimes I only mean it for five minutes. Or I mean it mean it mean it for so long where it is not needed. I get hung up on the ideas of things. Good and bad.
It gets dark too early. Good news, though, the sun's coming up.
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