almost done being 27

I thought that 27 would be a great year. I thought it would be the year I fell in love or some bullshit like that. I thought I'd get acting jobs again, I thought I'd really get to accomplishing something.
Less than a month left of being 27. 28 is officially almost 30. I'm excited for getting older, I feel like there's really wonderful things coming up for me.

I was just trying to figure out if I feel disappointed at all about this year.
I really, really don't.



This year has not been the kind of spectacular I was wishing for but it has been remarkable in several other ways. Really remarkable.

And this year in particular I think I've grown and am really getting better at being me. Sounds ridiculous, maybe, but true.



Let's split this up into categories to go through, yeah?









HOME LIFE
As you know, in June I moved out of the attic bachelor apartment I lived in for over seven years into the new Ossington Dreamhome.
This has been the biggest change in my life in a long, long time.
And it has been hard and wonderful. And super amounts of fun, and ridiculously trying.
I haven't addressed on here how we recently changed roommates, but we did. Our new roommate doesn't have a nickname on here yet. I'll think on it. Anyway, she's very sweet and works 9-5 which means I never see her. She wants to go babe hunting, though, so we have to figure that out soon.

Onesie moved out. It got to be a rather shitty situation and I tried my very, very best to be a good friend to her but there are limits. And as much as you have to be there for your friends, it's also important to realize when maybe you shouldn't be friends anymore. I can't always help everyone all the time.

Yulie is moving out soon, too. Which I am going to be pretty upset about. She's going back to Germany for awhile. I'm glad she'll be back at some point, but it won't be the same not living together. She is such a wonderful, good-hearted love. Who drives me bananas sometimes. Because that's what roommates are for.

I moved out partially because I needed change but also to teach myself better conflict resolution and inter-personal skills. A babe laughed very hard at me recently for putting it like that, but I do really mean it. And I think it's working. I still hate conflict, but I've had some and am stronger for it. I'm learning how to get along with people on a daily basis, and I'm still closing my door a lot and hanging out on my own.

Also, remember how fun the beginning of summer was in this place? Worth it for that alone. Plus I do love the house and my room and getting to decorate and everything. And I like having people around to cook and bake for.
I'm getting really good at cooking, I'd say. Not like a kitchen genius, but I consistently make beautiful meals and eat properly and am learning new skills and meal ideas. And I really rather love cooking. I find it calming and purposeful.





IMPROV
Improv, guys, improv! What the hell?!
Do you ever think about how maybe things happen for a reason? No? me neither.
Anyway, I'm not sure how I got so lucky as to be doing the conservatory right now with some of the most amazing people.
It was actually pretty random that I even decided to audition for the conservatory at Second City because I'd been scared of comedy for the past while. Like, I loved it, but from a distance. I did improv at Bad Dog a few years ago and then just didn't know how to push through further. And as much as I loved my classes at Bad Dog, the conservatory at Second City is whole different ballgame. Seriously different.
The thing about con is that you're set up with shows, you're basically given a team. And now we're getting into performing archive material and then we'll be writing our own sketches (!!!!). It's a smart way of setting us up with the skills we'll need to do mainstage and the like.
And Second City's style is very specific and it's a style I quite, quite like, and I think I'll be very good at it. I'm overly-excited to pitch my premises and then try hard not to boss everyone forever.

Yeah, Second City has a cult-like vibe to it, but it might be because it's great?
I think it's particularly great for me as I have a hard time pushing people to let me do their shows, or let me be on their teams. This program hand-holds us and it's structured to really take care of us and groom us for their particular style.

Also, the buds I'm meeting through this new lifestyle (hahahaaaah) are serious lovebugs! I feel very lucky to get to hang out with some of the funniest people ever. And comedy crushes, man, I have 'em. Like with most of my crushes I can't tell how much of it is an actual crush or if I just think they're very funny and nice.
Either way, I feel like I've found a whole new world of wonderful people. And the best is that they like me too.





LOVE LIFE
Well. I go back and forth between how I'd like to handle this subject on the internet. As you know, my favourite joke ever of all-time is how I am single for life and how many babes I like and how I would like to look at all of them with my hands. I stand by this series of jokes and it's maybe a bit true in real life (very true) but besides that I think I'm getting better at dealing with men. I'm fairly good at understanding situations, even when I'm not quite powerful enough to change them or leave them. And I've basically stopped using people and am avoiding getting myself into situations where I'll certainly be mean.

I had a rather rough summer with things, and a bit into the fall there, too.
I spent a lot of time doing things on other people's terms. Taking care of them, being on their schedules, working around their garbage, etc.

I had several pretty awesome fights (not crazy, more productive), one in front of my house and he was wearing his bike helmet but undone and the straps were dangling and in retrospect I smile because he looked so silly.
I had a great deal of wonderful conversations, I'm getting better at not being overly dramatic about everything, I'm getting better about not causing conflict where there needn't be any.
I've developed a pretty cool move about being as upfront and honest about things as I possibly can be.  It's lovely and wonderful and freeing.

The two biggest conversations I had this summer were
"I have nothing at all to offer you, but hang out with me until I leave forever"
and
"We don't like each other enough, but should we still hang out?"
so you see what I mean a little bit? Tough, interesting situations.

And I can honestly say that even if I'm not falling in love much these days, I really, whole-heartedly, am loving people.
Knowing someone is loving them, and I can't have those sorts of conversations, those sorts of fights, those sorts of negotiations without loving them.
And as hard as things have been this summer, I wouldn't trade it for anything, it's too important.

It's all maybe helping to make me into a wonderful partner for someone at some point. I think I'll be good at it someday.

I would like to be a very easy-going kind of a guy. I would love to be as relaxed as possible about things, never needlessly demanding or bratty.  And I love, love being a caretaker. I love having someone to do things for and think of and bring things to and back-rub, ya know?
Unfortunately most people are inherently selfish and it's hard to find a balance of care-taking and being taken care of...
But then too, I'm not interested in having a relationship just for the sake of it. And so I'm not willing to put up with a lot of things.

Also, I'm fun! If I'm to ever get serious with anyone, they'll have to be willing to do things. Go out on the town, have adventures, find the fun. Fun is everywhere, it's just not always the easiest to get to.  I need a partner who realizes that it's up to us to make everything the best.

Yeah, okay so, I'd love a babe who wants to take care of me and be taken care of and have adventures forever.
And also who is handsome and the funniest. great, thanks!






WRITING AND SELF-DIRECTED WORK
Hmmmmm. This is a constant source of self-inflicted stress. What is it about me that makes me so unable to just sit down and do some damn work?
I'm getting better? No, I just go through periods of productivity. The shit thing about me is that I'm quite good at a lot of different things but I lack the focus and dedication to get really great at anything. Plus I split focus in really awful ways, I'd say it's possible to have too many hobbies/plans/projects on the mind. That's another reason with this improv conservatory is good for me because it's forcing me to really immerse in it.

When I do get to writing, I'm pleased with what I'm doing. I have no shortage of ideas. So many so many big plans for projects! If I can just get them down, sort them out. I'm bad at plot... that's a thing that's always been true. I love moments, ya know? Bits of truth, lovely interactions. But in order to get those moments I need more plot. Working on it.
I told Arrow I'd give him the first half of a feature I'm working on on December 1st. And he's going to give me the first draft of the feature he's writing. Except I have done NO WORK since we made this deal two weeks or so ago. Classic. I have not even opened the file. Obviously.
I guess I could have been doing that for the past two hours instead of writing this and cruising facebook stalking everyone. Could have. Oh well!


FRIENDS
I don't have too much to say on this except that holy shit do I ever still know some of the most wonderful human beings who have ever existed in this world or any other.
To say that I'm satisfied with my friends these days would be an unforgivable understatement. Not to be overly-dramatic or anything, but, man.... love love love love love love love.
Lucky.



Okay, I just really really love this Tom Cochrane song. Something about it fills up in a lovely nostalgic kind of a way.

Probably done with this for now. It's too long! Sorry/you're welcome.

on whether to look for my donor father...

(you guys all know I was born of donor insemination, yeah? that information is crucial for the rest of this entry. haa, obvi!)

So, on Friday (I think), I received an email from another woman who was born of donor insemination in Saskatoon in the same time period as I was. Actually, both her and her sister were.
She found me through my post on this website, which is intended to match donor-siblings and offspring to donors.

HA, OFFSPRING. what a detached thing to be called!

I'd actually completely forgotten about that website, and had stopped paying to access the other donor sibling registry, and had not even ever responded to the email from the one donor (probably not my bio-dad) who had contacted me years ago.

If you know me, you know that one of my main priorities is not worrying. I don't like worrying and I don't like being upset about stuff. And there's no point in worrying about things you can't control, like if you don't have a father.
Instead, I would generally prefer to embrace the differences in my life. My mum is my ultimate favourite person in the world that I've ever heard of. No denying. I would give anything to have her in my life forever and ever and ever. I can't imagine having a better parent than her and I say that in all sincerity. I would choose this situation again above any other option.
So, no dad? I guess that's shitty. I for sure have issues with not quite understanding men and the like because of it. But I'm also still awesome. I was loved beyond loved and couldn't have asked for a better supportive extended family...
There just isn't any point being upset about it! I'd rather make jokes!



But, today I'm upset. I'm upset like I was when I was an angsty 12 year old angry at my mother and furious at not having a father.
Actually, I can't even remember when was an actual time I was super upset about this situation. As a child, I guess. Mostly when I was mad at my mum, I guess? When I needed something to be upset about?
It's a good fall-back if you feel like feeling sad about something, that's for sure.

I guess it's lucky that my brother and I both just look like we belong to our family. Like there was never any doubt we were my mother's kids and never any doubt that we were wanted.
And I think it's completely different having no dad at all with a top-notch mum, instead of a dad who you know isn't related to you. I have zero concept of what that situation would be like.
But then, all families are different. No family dynamic is the same. Ever.

I've never felt like I'm missing anything. I mean, it's fun to think about my bio-dad, on account of I imagine him being the super-coolest and a right-on rad dude who is adorable. But it's just a fantasy. A cool fantasy that makes me feel nice.

Now because of all this I'm having shitty dreams about driving down to Buffalo to track down my donor who turns out to be an awful shumshy-faced drunk with watery eyes!
UGH.

But this woman has a few good points. We are almost 30. Who knows how old our donors are now. Or if they are even alive. Who knows their medical history or if we're accidentally marrying extended family members....

My bio-dad could be dead at this point!
The fact is that I will probably never meet him.
Which should be fine. I mean, I don't know him, he's nothing to me. Except I just always assumed at some point things would work themselves out so that I would meet him. And I expected that at some point I would meet all my bio-siblings...

I don't really think about this all that much, but, it's FUCKING BANANAS that I almost certainly have half-siblings out there who could be my buds RIGHT NOW if only I knew who they were.

Is this the time I go on an actual hunt? Is this the moment I assumed would come at some point? Do I now place ads in newspapers, try to get interviews on news programs, organize a BBQ for all donors and offspring from that time period?
(considering it.)

If my bio-dad or her bio-dad (they could be the same one, of course, though probably unlikely) want to be found then it would be easy. If he does not then it will be impossible. Literally. We are powerless in this situation. And I guess, yeah, she's in her full rights to be mad about that.

She's right to be mad that the records with the only indication of who HALF OF OUR GENETICS are from were destroyed.
She's right to be mad that at the very least offspring from the same donors who are looking for each other shouldn't have access to that information. We could all be looking for each other.

We, the offspring, signed no papers saying we wouldn't look for our donors. We signed no papers saying we didn't need to know who are siblings are.
I strongly believe we are entitled to ask whatever questions we want to. And maybe this woman's reaction to the situation is different than mine, but she's entitled to do any digging she sees fit because we had no say in the situation. And because they weren't just making offspring, they were making humans who grow up and feel they have a right to know about themselves...

I still feel very, very lucky to be alive. And I wouldn't be here without this process. But, yeah, I guess I would like to know who my bio-dad is. And even more so I would like to know who my other siblings are.

Ha, I would like to have money too so I could DNA test everyone I could possibly be related to!


(haaaha baby me at the window. over-dramatic illustration for this post!)


I guess bottom-line, I'd like to either meet my bio-dad or know that he has no interest in meeting me. I think I could stomach that. It seems almost fair. At least then I'd know he's not the sort of person I need to know!

So I guess that means I'll have to look at some point. And the sooner the better if I actually want success... I don't know if it's right now. But it probably should be.

The worst part is, I've always known I wanted to look, but I also don't want to look because once I've exhausted the few avenues, then I will have failed.
And failing at finding family seems like a hard place to be in.

the best little lonely housewife

just lonely housewifing around.
except then yulie came home so I enlisted her help to take all the photos of me. timer portraits of oneself are a lot of work.
a lot of arrogant, self-absorbed work.




"so I've learned from the internet that all you do is drink every day and make out with everyone"
no.
"and you take a lot of pictures of yourself"
mmhmm.
sigh. it's funny how I would think twice about having a crush on anyone who was known as someone who makes out with the world, and yet I think it's very funny to continue to make it seem as though all I do is take down babes forever.



so much of the time I am not making out with babes. Like there are about 8 hours of the night where all I do is sleep.






leaving leaving leaving.

there's something about winter coming that's making me want to fall in love.
luckily I'll go ahead and continue to spend time with people who are unavailable or leaving or distant.




I'd be good at falling in love because I'm perfecting my forlorn face.


remember high-school dating? remember incubate-and-bonding? I miss that.
these days I'm too afraid to even say I'm interested in someone I've already kissed on the mouth. I don't know how to compliment or open up or ask for anything.


I remember leaving a highschool boyfriend's house one night and almost getting to the truck and then running back to kiss him again.
that.

It didn't matter that we only dated for two weeks. while we dated for two weeks we fucking threw ourselves into it.
I want to throw myself into something again.

all I know how to do now is hold back and hold back and be careful never to be the first to admit anything.






I walked into the living room the other day and announced, "Okay, fine, I admit it. I want to fall in love. I want a relationship."
and yulie didn't look up.

It's bizarre how I feel like deciding I'd like to openly seek love makes me feel like a failure somehow. Well, I'm nothing if not insane.
I stand by the idea that looking for love should be very fun, however. If you can figure out how to make it fun (ie, kissing people on the mouth or making jokes about wanting everyone) then that's the best time.












This all only started because I bought this dress in Saskatoon in the summertime at Value Village (naturally) I never wore it all summer, I don't know why. Even though I took the time to hem it with a ruffle (and get rid of about 6 inches of length).
So now I'm wearing it at least.

mixtape club, autumn edition!

Mixtape club this weekend at this bud's house.
I was trying to remember if he has a nickname on here but I'm not sure he does. I called him Dad the entire time we were filming A Small Thing. But that's probably not a nickname that would be easy to explain every time on here...
He wants a princely nickname. Haahahaaaa. classic.



nice

crazy!

Mrs got engaged to Arrow after the last mixtape club which was held at their house. well, the next day. Maybe the two aren't related but maybe they are maybe mixtape club is magic!
Guess who gets to be in the wedding?? THIS GUY. eeee eeee. did I say that already? Maybe I did. Oh well, I'm still excited about it. For an always single kind of a guy, I sure love weddings! also I have a sneaking suspicion that this wedding is going to be out-of-control tasteful and beautiful. Also it is Ukrainian Catholic which means I get to go to church!







Food this time was super good! Haaaaaa as opposed to every other Mixtape Club. I need recipes for everything. Especially the trifle. Fucking so good. gluten-free almond cake up in that shit, ya know? And raspberries and rhubarb! ugh so good.
Yeah no, I'm hungry again forever if that's what we're having.











I'm hosting next and we're trying to find a date where everyone can come. It's the worst! Why do we all suck at being available?

Plan is to do a Cheesbrough Christmas brunch sort of a thing. Probably starting much later than we actually do on Christmas and maybe involving more booze... but similar foods and Christmas spirit, I hope!? It'll be bigger if all my roommates are home, too... can't very well ask them to leave... or can I?













Today? Just watching TV and making crafts, ya know? why the eff not.
I haven't even started decorating for Christmas at all which is kind of bananas since it's into November now and Hallowe'en is really done and so I actually finally have full license to f this place up Christmas-wise. UH HUH.
Maybe I'll get into that this afternoon....
I have a banister to decorate! YES.
Though I will say part of the problem is that I am insanely broke and so even a trip to the dollar store to get christmassing is kind of out of the question. Luckily I have almost every craft supply known to man so I should be able to pull something out of my butt? Hopefully!











the best is when you get a job and then you have to buy new clothes for it which cost a lot of money and also they are on a once a month pay schedule so you're still pretty much effed but you shouldn't be effed because you have jobs!
ughh. classic.







Okay me and Yule-log are going to make a big stirfry now!