skins, three episodes in a row, excellent!

I like the good stories from my mum and my aunts about their lives before I was born.
(I say "aunts" and not "aunts and uncles" because my one uncle is dead [heart attack when he was homeless in Toronto] and the other one I don't see that often/am not that close with -- he lives in Waseca [which I thought, when I was younger and would picture it spelled out, would be Oiseequa, french, like Oiseau and all of that]. I like my uncle a lot, but a long time ago I said that I didn't like him and my [much smaller] brother told him that I didn't like him and ever since then I've felt awkward around him. Aw, man, I do like him, though. He wears jean shorts instead of swim trunks and has a surprisingly loud laugh and falls asleep in the middle of books.)

I don't like the bad parts of their stories. Obviously (?).

from my aunt's blog (I feel uncertain who wants to be linked to and who does not) about her hitching with my mum to go visit their older sister:
"We went there to ask Mary the meaning of life (as I recall, she said, with some impatience, that reason for life is to live)"

So... my mum hitched across the country and back, and dropped out of post-secondaries multiple times (not to mention had kids all on her own).  You'd think I'd be braver, eh?

...Mary is gone now, too. I never knew her -- met her once I think they tented in our backyard (?) I don't know if that is memories or memories of photos guess it means the same thing to me, doesn't it? We should go around making up new memories it doesn't really matter it's just what you believe, isn't it?

My mum is the oldest living of her siblings. All the remaining siblings are in agreement that she is the next to go and it won't be for a couple more decades at least.
I can't imagine being prepared for that.






When I moved here to go to college my professors (I'm looking at you, voice and movement) thought I still had my mum up on a pedestal and soon would realize that she wasn't the amazing, ridiculous intelligent/gifted person I thought she was. 

I'm still waiting for that to happen.
They didn't take into consideration that I had 2.5 years off between high-school and moving to Toronto where I lived and mostly only fought with my mother. They felt like she must have coddled me and cuted me up to get me to where I was.

Ahh maybe a bit.

The thing is, my mum isn't just anyone, my mum is a genius and knows it a bit and I think has always assumed that I am one too and therefore I assume that I am a genius despite the fact that every time I type the word genius I type it g-e-n-i-o-u-s.
And despite my obvious grammar errors and lack of accomplishments (WHATSOEVER).

As much as maybe my knowing that I'm smart isn't helpful, it's good to have a bit of someone's expectations weighing on you -- not for specific schooling or career choices, but for the things that really matter like arts and morals and relationships and care-taking and responsibilities.

And sometimes (a lot of the times) it makes me feel a bit better to think about how my mum was in her late 30s when she had me, and it reassures me to think of all my friends/acquaintances/family members who didn't start truly producing/accomplishing until they were a bit older.

It calms me down when I start to panic (tonight) about how I am no one and accomplishing nothing yet despite living in this big city for 6 years now...

It's 2:53. This makes less sense/is less cohesive than I'd like.

I frequently wish I'd went to university. Except that I don't want to have to do it now.