in negotiations

I have such a worried face this morning and all of yesterday with trying to negotiate how I was feeling with how I should be acting.
By which I mean, I want to be able to not push everything all the time. And I want to be able to let things come naturally and not need constant reassurance. Or something.

I cannot make my heart sit still I am unable to stop looking for the next best thing. I am terrified of being heart-broken even though that would be probably the best thing for me, kind of.
I can't help but keep a head full of back-up-plans even if I for sure only want the affections of one certain duder. Because putting all of my eggs in one basket seems for sure like an idiot move even though it's actually the only way to do things, I hear.
I hate feeling vulnerable. It makes me behave irrationally. And like a wiener. And no one likes a wiener. Except other wieners.

I should not write about all this on here, but I feel like this blog only gets about a quarter of anything going on in my life. And that's probably not enough.

It's too bad that you can't just decide to feel a certain way and then go about it. And it's too bad that just because I recognize that a certain behaviour is wrong, doesn't mean I can stop doing it right away..

*edit, none of the duders pictured below are being talked about in this entry, just in case of if you were wondering.