It's not the relationship I miss, it's the certainty I felt.
I miss not questioning my feelings, not looking around. Yes, the certainty.
That's a rare place for me to be and I'm not awesome at liking only one person at one time and I'm not the best at trying and at putting in effort. I'm the worst at relationships and I feel kind of surprised when I end up in one.
The problem with online lives and blogs (ugh that word has started to grate on my nerves like it's hard to explain) is that you only get half the story. I've been working very hard at being a proper respectful human and careful and care-taking and part of that is not telling other people's business on here. I'm not doing too bad, in that regard.
But that means I'm not telling it all, I'm not being fully honest.
I'm a bit envious of Tony who tells you constantly that his blog is a work of fiction, allowing him to say whatever he'd like.
So. For a good portion of this last year I was in a sort-of-relationship, as close as it gets when you are me, I guess.
In the end, I'm not clear on what made me sure I was getting off so easy (ha, I know), I felt sad briefly and then moved on to being buds and other babes. I was surprised at how easy it was.
It's lately, the other drama that's making me sad for what's lost. Not that that relationship was proper or functional... but in it I wasn't the same as I always I am.
I wasn't the same old trainwreck who is always scoping, who is always multi-tasking, who is always interested in people who aren't the best.
No, that sounds bad. I love being me, so much. I love how I am, I'm hilarious about babes and am good at being single, and you know I only do things to have an awesome story to tell and you know how much I love to tell that story (if you know me in real life, I guess).
No one tells you when you're little that you'll get involved in someone's life and spend all this time and effort caring about them and knowing about them and getting used to them and then one day, you'll just be two strangers again.
You make this one friendship a priority and you meet their friends and settle into their lives and bring them into yours and give up alone time and change things and alter things and consider things you normally wouldn't and carefully listen to their songs and learn how to hold their hand just right and learn how to sleep at night beside their long legs and how to relax in the scent of them
and then all of a sudden it's nothing. It's like it's never been
I've calmed down a whole bunch in the past year. And maybe I don't do my over-calm-patronizing voice as much as in the past, and maybe I don't cause shit for no reason and maybe I manage to not be such a douchebag to people who don't deserve it who I'm just trying to get attention out of (shut-up like you have never done that!).
Talking to my friend the other night, she suggested internet dating. Which is appealing, in a way (mostly the scoping babes part), but I don't want a relationship. I don't want to be in a relationship. I have no interest in relationshiping, especially for relationship's sake. No interest in being with a babe who isn't the best ever.
Fine, making out, fine. Affection/attention, I want that.
I get off a bit on the potential of things (although less and less and less so these days like I can't even tell you), but the bottom line is that I have patience for the time/effort it takes to hang out with someone who isn't for the best.
I have no patience for anyone who I am able to not be with (grammatically awkward, but do you know what I mean?).
Plus, the babe-of-my-life has too much on the go for dating websites, he is creating and making and living and not worrying about it because we'll cross paths like we're supposed to.
And I need to fully remember to keep that in mind for myself. I am haphaphappiest when I am creating and making and living and not worrying about it.
Oh, it's hard in this society.
It's hard the pressure everyone puts on relationships and love and PARTNERSHIPS AND YOU ARE NO ONE UNTIL SOMEONE LOVES YOU.
And, especially, being a 26 year-old single lady who has never been in (a real-time, partnership) love and has never held anything down. It's tough for this guy.
And people are condescending/incredulous about it and I myself don't know what to make of it
and I worry because I have a single mother and no father and no relationship pattern to base my life on or shoot for or picture me in.
And I picture myself alone, when I imagine my life I imagine me on my own (strong and certain, though) and tiny children for side-kicks.
Which sounds lovely. But, still.
Also, I feel like it's hard to get to the point where we interact like humans. Human to human not "I-have-decided-this-about-you" and "you-have-this-role-in-my-mind-just-try-to-get-out-of-it", not assumptions and not powerplays, but rather "I am this human and you know me".
Hard to get to!
Which is possibly part of why people frequently break up a time or two before settling down together.
Have to get to the point where you are both fully-realized humans who are relating based on reality not based on preconceived notions/how we think we should/could act.
So... That's what I'm thinking about. This is as honest as it can get up in here.
I'm surprised at how worried I am about writing this when it doesn't really say anything of the specifics.
I feel sad, and hopeful, and glad, and just that little touch of heart-broken. In a rational, obvious sort of way.
Because it's okay that I miss him.
Yes yes I have more photos to post, including pictures of people who are not me in situations with no mirrors and I will do that soon enough, but I just needed something to put in this overhonest post.
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