At Lakeview last night with Prune I all of a sudden just wanted to weep. Which, of course, isn't surprising at all. It's lovely and sometimes hard to be out with someone who knows you so well that everything is beyond obvious.
Prune and I used to be quite similar in our dating patterns/behaviours/expression of interest. We would get hung up in the same way, freaked out in the same way, scared off in the same way, and were looking for the same thing.
In most ways, at least.
Now Prune's been in her first real true grown-up love relationship for the past almost three years (is that right? wow, crazy). And I'm still nowhere near that.
But that's not why I felt (not-quite) sad. Sad is not quite the right word, I just all of a sudden felt full and vulnerable and... I don't know.
Prune and I grew up on Francesca Lia Block novels and Dirty Dancing and My So-Called Life and we used to say about babes,
"try harder for me, try try try harder for me"
We were always looking for our big loves and looking for our hearts to be filled. We were looking for people who wanted to put in effort and care.
And now she has that. In fact what she said about her love was that he tried harder for her than anyone ever had before.
And I think it was maybe the quick realization that right now at least, I am not looking for anyone to try harder for me. I'm not looking for anyone to complete me or make me whole or be my partner.
Sure, yes, I am eventually looking for my love, and am open to the possibility, any possibility, but it's fine if it's not for right now.
I feel right now that I am in the middle of something, figuring things out for myself and my career, taking my writing more seriously, taking my comedy more seriously, taking creating and producing more seriously; living this life in a specific way in order to experience it and then mine it for content.
And babes are intrinsically involved in this, and mannnnn do I ever love talking about babes/thinking about babes/pursuing babes... but I feel like it might be more for experience and the stories I get to tell (whether to people now or in creative pursuits later).
I'm busy busy in my head these days, and I'm not the person I'd like to be, I want to get better and better. Stronger on my own.
Ha, of course maybe it's just the full moon right now, and I'm actually the sadsack I appear, always single; lonely and alone in an attic bachelor apartment.
But I kind of don't think so.
Also, I still have my crushes and will continue to tell you (and by you I mean, my friends and not you-blog) all about them. Obviously!
(photos are all from mmmmiphone with help of the Hipstamatic app. actually hipstamatic app kind of reminds me of Francesca Lia Block. Anyone else?)
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