certain sense of self

Well. I'm sure glad I've had a headache for two days now.

I just bought some books!!!
The bookstore across from my house was having a 50% off sale. I love sales. Sales make me think I need to buy everything I see. But I chose wisely?
I only bought one book that I've already read and it was Can you wave Bye Bye, Baby? and I even bought another copy of that on the internet the other day but it is seriously my favourite and I like to read it every few months and I like to lend things to people and never care if I get them back. So it's good to have two of the most important very favourites. For real.

A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry
Casino and other stories by Bonnie Burnard
The Cure for Death by Lightning by Gail Anderson-Dargatz
Holding My Breath by Sidura Ludwig (I bought this one because it had a nice review by the author of my other most favourite book - Astonishing Splashes of Colour)

All of my favourite authors are parents.
I feel, in part, like I will never be the kind of author I would like to be until I am a mum. I am far too self-involved and self-important. I look at the world only from my own level and there's something about kids which brings perspective? Yes?

A lot of my favourite books are about babies or mothers or young women.

I'm 24.
I should get that taken down off of IMDB and never tell anyone my real age because it could interfere with my getting jobs. Because the older you are, the more un-marketable. No but really.

In Shoppers the other day my friend (age 24) went to buy eye cream and the sales lady said "So you're hitting thirty and getting worried about crows' feet?". She then lectured us on proper products and how to reduce signs of aging and the neck ages first and hands show it worst. oh god oh god.

Who cares??
Oh, right. Me.

I said something the other day to the effect of "I always have best friends who are more beautiful than me", and my one friend reacted very negatively to that statement and responded with "I need all of my girlfriends to feel like they are the most beautiful, sexy, wonderful woman in the world".

And I do. I have very, very few actual real-time self-esteem issues. Too few, I would wager.
But for this specific chosen career, I need to have an accurate self-view. I do. I need to know that I will never be a super model. I need to know that I have a bad profile or fat arms or way-too-red-of-face or horrendously thin hair ("you can almost see your scalp" thank-you, stylist).
I need to not be deluded into thinking I am prettier than I am. I need to know my weaknesses so that I can use them or hide them. So I am not surprised when I lose a role for being too fat or not gorgeous enough.

Also, I met disapproval the other day from a babe for wearing make-up. It's strange how in this society you can't win.
Like I said, I need an unshakeable sense of self and certainty.

* Note on yesterday: I would not wear the bandeau on it's own. Except in the summertime maybe. On the beach. Oh beach beach beach beach beach beach
When is that beach coming?