I always say that the only thing lonelier than being alone is being with the wrong one.
Nothing's really lonely unless you think about it. I always think about it.
That is why I wouldn't go on a date with that millionaire we met. It made sad just to consider it. Sad to consider hanging out with this old man who was probably still considering himself to be a good dude despite his interest in a young girl who he found novel and young-fleshed. Ha!
I'm such a sad-sack too much of the time.
That's also why I wouldn't keep hanging out with a dude I didn't like enough who said he wanted to take me on trips. Later my friend said "well you can either go on a trip with someone you might not quite like or you can just never go on the trip".
I will choose to never go on the trip.
That's just how I am.
Being with someone who already has someone else, that might be lonelier.
It's a stupid, stupid situation to get into, and it seems like an obvious thing to avoid.
But then, there's also the perspective that if you're not the one owing anyone anything, if you're not the committed one, then you're not the one doing wrong. And if it's just for fun, then it's just for fun. And it's not your fault!
Which I agree with, to a certain extent.
But if it's just for fun, then I'd rather look for fun elsewhere, somewhere cleaner and simpler. But then, that's not always easy to find (actually terrifically hard to find, but if you do find it then fucking revel in it, I would/do).
And if it's not just for fun, if there are actual feelings involved, then it's an even worse idea.
People have cheated on their girlfriends with me. Luckily not many and luckily a long time ago.
At one point I was quite hung up on my one friend and he and I stayed up until 6:30 in the morning in my bed planning our future partnership and farm house and chickens in the yard.
Later, after we hooked up, we didn't know how to interact in any way and sort of hated each other and then at one point he said,
"I'm glad we made out, I got you out of my system."
Loneliest.
Though, it got him out of my system as well, who wants a man who cheats on his partner?
The thing about boys with girlfriends (and these days because I'm an adult, men with wives) is that they will keep on having those partners. At the end of the night, or in the morning or whenever, they will have that love to call and go to and relate to and cuddle with and go to the movies with and make real plans for their real futures with.
And I'll still be owing nothing to anyone, independent and alone.
Hard being pursued by a man who already has a partner, though. Especially if you are anything like me and don't even like most people and if you are like me and want to push everything and see how things are going to go and see what you can get what kind of experiences you can have.
And if you feel like it's not your job to quit things not your job to protect everyone.
Sometimes I forget to protect myself, though. Most times, really.
"Wouldn't you say you invite drama into your life?"
One of my most smug acquaintances said this to me the other day. Ironic considering how he has lived quite a messy life as well, yet is a fierce secret-keeper so it doesn't end as badly for him. Easier to do whatever you'd like if you never have to own up to it/get called out on it.
I don't believe in secrets. I mean, I will keep them, can keep them better these days, but for the most part they are stupid and bad news and you shouldn't do anything you aren't proud of.
I just danced around my apartment forever dreamily to Fleet Foxes and I was planning a tv show episode in my mind and I would dance around like that in it except I couldn't turn my brain off from saying about how fat my arms would look if I danced like that and what could I wear so that my body looked better and maybe if we shot from further away, also why don't I just lose some weight already, etc. etc. etc.
That's an unfair paragraph to write as I've complained about people complaining about their weight and I hate to hear it because it just reinforces my own issues but that's true that's how my mind was working and then when I feel like that I want to take more photos of myself looking better than I do in real life, especially then I want to do "sexyish" photos so that I can reassure myself that I'm alright and vaguely appealing.
Ha! What a silly and ridiculous life this is! Remarkably dumb and remarkably wonderful.
Life is feeling really, really nice lately. And also sharp-edged and a bit like hard work.
Summertime for certain.
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